Toxic Relationships

Never allow anyone to rain on your parade, and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on your entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character are required to set up in the fault finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealousy and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower but any foolish child can pull it to pieces — Og Mandino, American author

What is a toxic relationship and what keeps us hooked into them? This blog is not a place for ranting, bitching and finger pointing; it is a place for support and inspiration! However, I feel it worth exploring to understand that we always have a choice when it comes to how much we’re prepared to tolerate in a relationship.

All relationships have a purpose even the toxic ones.

What do I mean by toxic? We all know who are drains on our energy. The sort of people that light up the room as they leave, the sort of people who complain all the time, who use us rather than nourish us. There is clearly some benefit derived from these relationships otherwise we wouldn’t put up with them.

Maybe it’s my age, maybe because I’m older and wiser and am no longer prepared to accept any old sh*t from anyone anymore, I’m prepared to ‘fire’ friends.

Something happened last week that led me write this blog. I’ve been wondering what it is in my behaviour that allows me to keep going back for more with a certain person….. Toxic people collude with us… When I’m with this particular person I don’t like who I am, I am less than authentic, it is not the me I want to be, I am not behaving in the way I normally behave.

If we are to take full 100% responsibility for our lives we need not put up with these relationships. This may seem so much easier said than done especially if the toxic person is also someone we love. This toxic relationship might be with a parent, our partner, a sibling even with one of our children.

How can we grant them less of our mental energy? How can we make a clear request of this person? Is it a boundary issue that needs re-establishing?

Stand true to what we hold dear, our values, and they cannot touch us. By allowing their behaviour we are condoning it which gives them permission to continue. Of course we don’t need to be rude and aggressive yet I feel we are at liberty to stand up for ourselves.

We could find ourselves in toxic relationships at work or in our social group. We need to set boundaries so that we stay whole and strong. Toxic relationships tend to leave us feeling inadequate, dissatisfied, exhausted both mentally and physically.

Now here’s a challenge! Could you edit people from your life? Could you go through your contact list and draw a line through or press delete for every negative person? Could you avoid them? What would be the cost? And maybe most importantly…..What would be the benefit?

Here’s a wonderful quote from Melanie Reid (award winning Times journalist who broke her neck 12 months ago in a riding accident), these are her thoughts on leaving hospital….

“I learnt three absolute lessons. First, that the world is split into people who moan and people who don’t. I have heard enough moaning in the past 12 months to last me a lifetime. In this regard, I refuse, ever again, to spend time with anyone who complains continually about the weather, their job, their relationship or their appearance. These people are death to the soul; they suck the oxygen out of the air; they need to be avoided at all costs. Like it doesn’t say in Desiderata, avoid people too stupid to appreciate what they’ve got. Like loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit”