As many of us prepare to bid farewell to our University bound children I was reminded of an article I read in the Sunday Times over a year ago. A journalist asked a number of her friends what advice they’d give their daughters on growing up.
Here is an extract from a letter I wrote to my daughter as she left for University this weekend, a letter she was more than happy for me to share with you.
How different might our lives have been with this type of guidance? What would you say to your daughter or son? They might be still tiny or indeed fully grown. What advice would you give? What guiding words would you have appreciated when you were 18? Please share, we have such a wealth of wisdom between us.
Dearest darling girl
Today is the beginning of the next stage in your life. Today we head off to your new home at University. Where do I start in telling you how proud you make me feel to be called Mum/Mama/Mummy by you?
We’ve laughed at how you burst into this world with a scowl on your face, how determined you have always been right from learning to walk and feeding yourself to making big decisions for your life. You will succeed in whatever you decide to do with your life.
There were days during your illness that frightened both you and me, the days I wasn’t sure you had the strength or the will to make it. The courage it took to to tell you one day that I couldn’t fix you, this couldn’t be mended with Calpol or a plaster. Telling you that you needed to want to get better was the hardest and yet the greatest day. From that day you took responsibility for your illness and decided you wanted to survive. And how you have done that my darling. You are thriving in so many ways.
You have taught me so much in how to be a good parent. I have learned to be more patient, more tolerant, more understanding, more resilient, more trusting, more proud, more compassionate because of you. We are blessed in our relationship as mother and daughter and friends. I love you.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so proud of you as when you came home from school to say that you wanted to go to Africa between school and University. You chose to go alone, and to raise the money yourself. You have such incredible strength of character, resilience and determination, it is at times hard to believe that you are only 18 years old. You experienced something in that month that few dare experience let alone as a teenager.
So here are my words of wisdom to you as you embark on your next big adventure –
- believe you are capable of so much more than you think possible
- follow your passion – always
- let no one tell you you can’t achieve your dream
- surround yourself with great girlfriends, those who encourage and inspire you
- take risks
- love with all your heart – the heart is a muscle it doesn’t break, it just gets bruised and bruises fade with time.
- always wear SPF30 on your face
- manage your finances, earn your own money always
- learn to enjoy your own company
- never stop learning – new skills, new ways of thinking…
- trust your intuition – if it feels right do it, if you have any doubt – don’t
- LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE
“Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good.” — Minor Myers Jnr
With all my love always
xxx
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This made me well up. My 2nd daughter (3rd child) is working hard at her ‘A’ levels right now having taken a while to get motivated, and she hopes to start University in September. This one is the one I clash with the most. But there are days when, if she decides to pay me some attention when things aren’t right, she quite often nails it with her remedy. It’s quite uncanny, and rare, and unexpected, but it works wonders at the time.
I still love her more than I can say, as I do all my children, and with this one, I know we have a deep connection which is different to the connection I have with the other 3. I treasure it and hope it never fades, but it’s the hardest connection I’ve ever had to work at, and at times it’s wearing. But I know I will cry buckets when she leaves me in September.
I’ve given them all a personal gift for their 18th (or my husband has) similar to this letter you wrote to your daughter and the most rewarding thing for me about being their mum, is that the 4 of them are so close (6 years between them). They all seem to want this brother/sister bond to continue into adult life, which they all express beautifully on special occasions, like special birthdays and events, and your letter to your daughter is similar to the sort of things we do for one another too.
I take my inspiration to nurture this sibling relationship, from my grandparents, who had six children, and who, from my perspective, gave their love for each and every one of their children freely, fairly, in abundance, and seemingly effortlessly. That’s what I’ve tried my hardest to do with my 4 (but it seems to have been harder for me than it was for my grandmother at times!)
Thank you (and your daughter!) for sharing this post. I think it’s so important to express what some people might find embarrassing, to the ones we love. I think you and I have shared similar experiences, but I’m sorry to read your daughter has obviously experienced a serious illness in the past, and that is something which does need a lot of strength to deal with. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be.
I hope you don’t mind the retrospective reply, to your September post! As I’ve told you on more than one occasion now, I’ve only recently been put in touch with your website, and I’m finding it very therapeutic to be able to chunter on in this sort of writing environment. I probably say way too much, but I don’t feel silly in doing so, so thank you (again)!
Alison x
Alison, thank you (again!). Keep writing your wonderfully thoughtful responses. You will never know how grateful I am and how happy I am that you are finding an outlet for your thoughts.
Rebecca x
I’m dreading my middle daughter going to uni next weekend,my eldest daughter move out in Feb,off this year with her boyfriend which was hard but she’s only ten mins away.My middle child has always been the talented on off my 3 children and we’ve had so much pride in what she’s achieved,I don’t think I will be able to hold back the tears as i’ll m crying now writing this and she doesn’t go till next weekend.I feel very lost as I’m left with my 12 yr old son and husband but have lost both my girls this year.
Hi Clare, oh I do so feel for you. It’s such a difficult time isn’t it. It’s the start of the next phase. I could say it does get easier but that’s not going to help you right now. Be kind to yourself as you let your daughter go. We’ve given them roots and it’s hard to allow them the wings to fly sometimes isn’t it. I’ve said goodbye to 2 of mine and like you have one left at home. He leaves this time next year….gulp.