“When going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
I’ve been shying away from this post for some time now. You know I don’t avoid tough subjects. Depression is one of those subjects. I am well and have been for many years now, that however, wasn’t always the case. My intention in writing about depression is to share my experiences frankly and openly in the hope that something inspires or supports another going through their own private hell.
Depression is a serious illness. It is a mental illness that sadly carries a huge stigma. It frustrates me that people are fearful, those with it and society at large. If you have a heart condition, diabetes or a broken leg you wouldn’t dream of not attending to it, taking advice from experts on how to repair the damage. No one is going to call you weak if you are unable to fix your broken leg. Then why is it that so often I hear people saying they won’t see a professional therapist in order to gain an insight into their troubled mind, or they won’t take medication for depression to help them begin to make sense of where they are.
Depression is not about feeling sad. It is not about feeling a bit down or being in a bad mood. Depression is a blackness. Depression sucks all emotion from you. You are left feeling hollow and numb and with a deep sense of hopelessness and loneliness. Depression drains the world of colour and sound and taste and smell. I have experienced some very black and bleak places in my mind. I spent some of my teenage years with depression. I suffered chronic post natal depression and I suffered again as I was battling with a deteriorating marriage. There were days when I could barely get out of bed. I went around in some sort of coma. I would have panic attacks collecting the children from school. I couldn’t face anyone, especially those closest to me. At times I couldn’t even speak, such was my fear of opening the flood gates of my tears. I lost a huge amount of weight. I developed asthma and I had tonsillitis permanently. Simple, every day tasks became my very own Everest……and still I battled on.
I have spent time getting myself to where I am today. I have taken medication and I have spent time with a variety of therapists. All these helped me piece my life back together again. Today, I know the triggers and I know how to handle it. That’s not to say that I live my life in a perpetual state of nirvana. I’m realistic yet I won’t let a ‘blue’ day affect me in the devastating way it used to.
“You are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and hold your hand.” — Mumford & Sons.
Here are my thoughts on what helped me through those bleak periods and keep me focused today. I make no claim to be an expert, these are simply some ideas that may in turn give you strength. Take your pick and create your own too.
- Realise that some days are shit days and that’s ok
- Fresh air on a daily basis. Thank goodness for my dog and often the reason to get outside everyday, come rain or shine, snow or gale we’re out walking
- alcohol solves nothing
- gratitude every night before bed, a list of all that is good in my life. It always changes the focus from what I don’t have
- have a buddy, when I was ill after the birth of my youngest I had a friend who was my lifeline – literally. I’d phone her number and whisper the words “it’s me” and she’d reply “get in the car, the kettle’s on”. I couldn’t have got through those times without her. Caroline – thank you.
- Carry a picture with you of those you love, and one of yourself when you were happy or a picture of yourself as a young child.
- create a nest for yourself – candles,warm blankets, good smells, remember smells from your youth (seaside, ground coffee, baking bread for me)
- If you can bare someone to touch you have a regular massage. I was truly blessed in that my sister was training to be an aromatherapist when I was recovering and I became one of her case studies. We cried a lot and whether it was the healing oils or the simple fact that I was allowing someone to touch me and nurture me I slowly began to heal.
- All is learning and growth, there is no failure.
- Wallow if you need to but set a time limit on it
- Rage if you need to, it is an emotion that must be let out in a safe environment
- Hold somewhere in your heart the belief that ‘this too will pass’ – however ‘impossible’ it might seem
- Visualise a candle flame burning somewhere – a sign of hope
- Carry a token or pebble, something that has tangible meaning for you, it will act like a connection to better times.
- Somewhere stored away deep inside trust that you are not alone – I am not religious, I am spiritual and believe we are surrounded by angels both seen and unseen. Even on my darkest days I trusted that I was protected.
- Learn (with the help of another) to not judge yourself and not compare yourself with others. We are all different. This was one of the greatest lessons for me during the tough days.
Depression would not be my lifestyle of choice! However, even though writing this blog has brought back some excruciating memories I am grateful for the experiences I had. I am the woman I am today because of my experiences, ALL my experiences – the good, the bad and the down right ugly.
If this blog has inspired you in anyway do let me know. It is a subject close to my heart. Share it with anyone you know might be silently suffering.
With my love.
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I cried and cried and am still crtying in the middle of the office whilst reading and wtiting this blog – Oh Rebecca if only you knew how much of the ablve rings true with me too. One day we will get together any put the world to rights – love always – Sarah
Thank you and bless you Sarah. Take good care of yourself. The sun is always behind the clouds x
Am speechless at your bravery and courage although I am shouting for joy for your healing! xx
Thank you. It’s been a long road xxx
Sorry about the spelling – it was emotional few minutes!!!!!!
🙂
I’ve said before that I admire your courage and openess and I say it again! With severe depression in my family I know how bleak and devastating it can be and that there is no quick fix. You’ve worked hard and it’s great that you are now in such a good place. Lx
Thank you Linda. You know that it’s a long and winding road. I appreciate your comment. Rx
thank you for posting this. I’m a mum of 4, married to Chris for 29 years (approaching 50 this year!) and have been wondering what’s ‘wrong’ with me for a few years now as I’ve lost sight of my old self who used to be confident, dynamic and bouncy. Nowadays, whilst still a positive person, I find myself unable to do certain basic things which I know will be good for me (the walk in the fresh air, entering a room of strangers, even going into the local post office on my own which I had to ask my 17 year old to do with me recently) and I think it’s depression. I was diagnosed with mild depression about 4 years ago when I had to leave a part time job as I “wasn’t coping” and I’ve been struggling with myself ever since. On the surface I have everything, a lovely home, 4 beautiful children and a loving husband, but things aren’t “right”. Your post could have been me and I’m going to print it off and pin it near my computer, especially your remedies. I have 3 or 4 wonderful friends also, one of whom posted your e-mail to me yesterday and it’s given me something to hold on to and to feel relaxed about. Thank you and when you said you were “well” now, that is truly inspirational. Today’s going to be a good day.
Dear Alison
Thank you for your courage in responding to this blog. I’m humbled that it has touched and resonated with you. Owning up to the fact that we are not well is a very brave act of courage. You are looked after, your friends are clearly very dear to you and I’m so happy that one friend forwarded this blog post to you.
I so understand what you said about the post office………..when I was ill nobody had their birthday card on time, this was one of my Everests. I’d buy a card and it would sit on the table for about a week, I’d then summon up the energy to write something, seal the envelope, stick a stamp on and then walk it to the post box……….this could take anything up to 2 weeks. Unless you have suffered with depression I don’t think it’s possible to understand just how monumental that task had become for me.
Take life moment by moment Alison, you are a brave woman 🙂
If I can support you in anyway please don’t hesitate to get in touch (rebecca@bestknickersalways.com)
Remember – Best Knickers Always too!
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I don’t want to belittle what you appear to have gone through, in any way, suffering for many more years than me possibly. I’m not even sure if ‘suffering’ is the word which can be applied to me, but at the same time, it does feel like that sometimes. Just remembering that I am not the old Alison, but a new one, can be tricky, as I quite liked the old one. But that’s a bit counter-productive, so I’m adapting slowly, and then being surprised at a day when I see a chink of the old one, who never used to spend hours over-analysing anything, and who used to receive compliments like “you have a very positive effect on people” (one of my favourite unexpected compliments received years ago). I worry that she’s gone forever.
But at the same time, I am beginning to understand a lot more about other people who I didn’t think about before, and that’s a very good development. Those with mental health problems for example. Just didn’t ‘get it’ but am very interested in understanding it more now and it’s helping me in many ways (I’ve just realised, as I’m typing this actually!)
Anyway, I will keep in touch if that’s okay….Best Knickers Always definitely 🙂
best wishes
Alison
I’m sure the old Alison is in there, she just needs a little tlc perhaps and to feel safe. My old self reappeared, in fact just a few years ago my oldest friend hugged me and said ‘Welcome back, I’ve missed you’!
If you’re a Facebook user you might want to ‘like’ my page for daily chat, inspiration, laughter etc https://www.facebook.com/BestKnickersAlways
Have a good day. 🙂
You are fantastic at being just YOU my friend! Lx
Thank you Lottie, your words mean such a lot to me as you know xxx
Hi Rebecca, I am a Facebook user so will try and link up that way. Am busy trying to answer your 4 questions on today’s blog. 2 are easy, 2 I can’t! That’s interesting in itself. Have also made a list of 5 manageable things I know I will feel better about, if I achieve them today. Just need to get out of this dressing gown first. Big mistake to hang around in it and there aren’t that many people who know I do! That’s number one, and it’s taken me a lot of courage to say it.
Here’s hoping I get down to number 3 at least!
Alison
Hi Alison – just want to let you know that my website has changed and you’ll find me at rebperkins.com – you might like the coaching questions as an introduction. I’m putting together an email sign up again this time with a newsletter too. Looking forward to hearing from you. Rebecca
You have come such an amazing long way…. seeing it in words is great! but i see it in YOU !
cx
You should know…….you held me during the dark days and today we can celebrate just how far we’ve come. Love you always ma vraie amie 🙂
This is a beautiful and moving post. My son suffers from depression and anxiety and it took years for us to get medication and guidance because the medical community didn’t want to label him. In our experience, having the label has been a big part of the solution. He doesn’t want to engage in therapy any more (he’s 16 – difficult enough in itself!) but I have had lots and lots of family therapy on his behalf so to speak and have been able to parent him appropriately with that guidance. Depression in teenagers is so often dismissed as bad behaviour, even by the teenagers themselves. I appreciate and thank you for writing this because anything that reduces the stigma, bit by bit, will help to improve and save lives.
Harriet, thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I appreciate it’s difficult to talk about yet it’s something that I do believe needs to be spoken out loud. I do so hope your son finds his way. With very best wishes Rebecca